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Don’t Leave Me!

Helping Your Baby Cope with Separation Anxiety

Nothing compares to the incredible bond you have with your baby. She lights up when she sees you and calms down at the sound of your voice. This connection is the joy of your life-until the day she won’t even let you go in the next room without crying and clinging. What's happening? It’s called separation anxiety and it’s perfectly normal. It often begins when babies are between eight and 12 months old, peaks between 10 and 18 months and usually fades as they approach their second birthdays. Those months can be painful, but there are ways to make things a little easier for both of you.

Separation Anxiety 101

Knowing the facts about separation anxiety can help you cope with the emotional roller coaster it can create. Keep in mind this behavior isn’t caused by you or your parenting style. It’s a predictable emotional milestone and can even indicate a healthy relationship between you and your baby.

Separation anxiety is the result of a new intellectual skill called object permanence. This means your baby can now remember people who are no longer there and she may start searching for a toy or blanket that’s been moved out of sight. She’s also discovered there’s only one of you and when you’re not with her, she can become distressed. She can tell from your actions when you’re getting ready to leave, but she doesn’t yet know when or if you're coming back. Her anxiety can start building before you’ve even left the room.

Separation anxiety is common when you leave your baby at daycare or with a sitter as well as when you put her to bed. Sleep is a scary separation and she may wake up crying or searching for you during the night.

Easing the Pain

Your baby’s separation anxiety will subside as she gets older, but in the meantime, try these techniques to help you both get through the difficult moments.

  • Your baby’s anxiety will be more intense when she’s tired, hungry or sick. If you can, wait to leave after she’s eaten and had a nap.
  • Don’t make a fuss when you leave. Have the person you’re leaving her with engage her with a toy or a bath. Say goodbye and leave quickly.
  • Try short practice separations to help her learn to cope. Tell her you’re going to another room and you’ll be back. If she cries, call to her instead of running back. When you return, smile and say hello. Gradually increase the separation time so she learns nothing terrible will happen when you’re gone.
  • When she crawls to another room (that’s baby-proofed), wait a minute or two before following to let her practice being alone.
  • If you leave her in a new environment like a daycare center or babysitter’s home, spend a few minutes with her and the caregiver instead of just dropping her off. When you leave, reassure her you’ll be back.

Sources: Caring for Your Baby and Young Child by Steven P. Shelov, M.D., F.A.A.P. and Robert E. Hannemann, M.D., F.A.A.P.; Separation Anxiety by Alan Greene M.D., F.A.A.P., www.drgreene.org, March 29, 2002

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